Another End and Another Beginning

Couldn't get much more cliche than that title but its just a blog anyway. This months ends one of the most influential years of my life. I took my refuge vows, began this blog, attended 2 teachings by HH the Dalai Lama, received my first emplacements, lost my grandfather, struggled through position changes at work, and survived the great Atlanta Christmas snow storm of 2010. Actually a pretty busy year! It all gets wrapped up this week with a week long Vajrasattva retreat at Drepung Monastery. This purification practice is by all accounts one of the most powerful practices for our busy lives. I'm really looking forward to it.
I still haven't gotten a complete grasp of what I want to do with my blog. that explains the lack of postings lately. I'm not a writer or even particularly creative but I wanted to just put something out there. So if you stumble by and see something you like leave a comment. I promise I'll stay out of the fray of the "Buddhist Blogosphere" controversies. I've been an "online" person for a very long time and have seen many a flame war. I was actually naive enough to believe that Buddhist sites and forums would be above that but I was quickly returned to reality. Buddhist bloggers are just as attached to their opinion as any Linux zealot, Apple fanboy, or Windows Weirdo. (I would be the Linux zealot writing this on his iPad). I tried doing the twitter thing and wow what a mess of dueling egos. For every cool informative tweet there seems to be an avalanche of name calling and denigrating. I know just unfollow them, but I found myself caught up in the soap opera that is twitter.
So in an effort to not be one of "those" people, I am going to concentrate on one nice post a week. Maybe a poem or haiku, picture, or just a diary of what's up, that'll be my new beginning. My own pledge to try to bring something pleasant or interesting to the 2 or 3 readers that stop by and in the process create some positive energy from all of us.

Cows, Friends, and New Beginnings

The Lamrim retreat is over, and boy was I beat when I got home.  Seven days in intensive meditation and instruction on the essence of the Buddha's teaching on the path to Enlightenment.  It was an incredible, life changing experience.  We had 3 inspiring sessions of teaching and meditation followed by a Q&A Dharma Talk with Geshe Phende-la, the questions ranging from basic Buddhist practice to complex philosophical debates.

The teachings were absolutely the best.  It was the perfect introduction to the entire aspects of the practice of Tibetan Buddhism, covering Guru Yoga, Renunciation, Bodhicitta, and Wisdom in our sessions.  We became completely familiar with Lama Je Tsongkhapa's life and teachings on the Lamrim.  It was such a difference-making event for me.  As a very inexperienced practitioner, I developed a more complete understanding of what "practice" means, giving me an outline for progress and preparing me for further studies and practices.  It expanded and deepened my understanding of compassion for all sentient beings as well as bodhicitta.  We had a wonderful session on emptiness and the meditation work associated with the topic was simply mind blowing.

The surroundings were inspirational, a beautiful location -- the Center for New Beginnings in Dahlonega, GA -- complete with cows, bears, bugs and beautiful Georgia foliage. Georgia in August, hot and humid every day,with 30 minute evening thunderstorms added lots of excitement.
Our bodies were fed as well as our minds. Meals were wonderfully engineered by Chef Sean Moran and Carol Beck, with wonderful desserts provided by Kris Lorenz to satisfy our sweet tooths.

The opportunity to really get to know the sangha members was priceless.  We developed closer friendship and the more experienced practitioners generously provided guidance; examples for those of us not quite as familiar with the ritual and practice.   The opportunity to spend so much time simply being surrounded by practitioners provided an osmosis affect that enriched everyone's practice and understanding.

Patience

How funny life is, today I was prepare to have a wonderfully mindful quiet day following the Mahayana Precepts that I took for 24 hours in honor of Saka Dawa Duchen when the crummiest of morning had to happen and thoroughly test my patience for government schools.  I hate using that term but I picked it up as derogatory term when the public school system fails as it so often does. Unfortunately it accurately describes the bane of my morning's existence today.

I should have seen it coming.  My niece has to attend summer school for a month to work on her reading skills.  The school kindly advised us of this fact, oh, 3 days before school was out.  They sent home a letter and said the bus to take her to summer school, which is at a different school in the county, would leave from her school at 7:20 each morning.  So we were all set to have her at the school for the bus this morning hoping that we might actually get something more about the details such as what did she need to bring or what time would the bus return as the end of the summer school day is 11:30.

My morning started early, too early actually.  I hadn't slept too well and got up at 3:15 AM to be at Drepung Loseling at 4 for the precept ceremony.  The purpose of the ceremony is to focus your mind on living as the Buddha did.  You vow to follow the precepts of moral discipline guided by the motivation of bodhichitta (the wish to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all beings).That attitude should run through your entire day generating exceptional amounts of positive energy.

So I get home at 5:30 and rest before getting Raevyn up to get ready.  We get to the school at 7:05.  Thanks goodness Raevyn wasn't a terror to get dressed today or thing would have really unraveled.  So there we sat ... at the school...7:20...7:30...Of course I didn't bring my phone with me since I was only going to be there for 5 minutes.  7:40...no one in the school building.

Raevyn is freaking out about being late.  This is where my patience starts to be tested.  You see Raevyn is obsessive so when things don’t go as planned she gets out of hand.  So I keep telling myself  "It'll be here in a minute..."...7:50 comes along and we head back to the house.  Raevyn is crying because she "wants to go to school" and I keep telling her that I am going to take her myself but she'll have none of that.  I wake up Elisa and get her to call.   She sends Raevyn and I back to the school to wait.  She calls the first number on the sheet and like all good government offices they have the phone set to send everyone to a queue and tell them "We are experiencing large call volume ...".  Whatever your a school bus dispatch, how many calls could you be getting?

Finally when she calls the summer school they tell her "Oh they didn't have enough bus drivers so they were trying to combine routes" If you didn't have a driver couldn't you have called the 10 people waiting to let them know that the bus schedule was going to be messed up or better yet send a supervisor to the
school and tell someone!

So there you go government schools so much beuracracy that the student is completely forgotten. I took Raevyn to the school and watch as they still had several students just getting breakfast and class was supposed to start 15 minutes before and a line of students being told which class to go to and teachers saying they didn't have room for them.  “DIDN'T HAVE ROOM!” maybe planning is just something Dekalb County Schools doesn't do.  Education on the fly is better.

The rest of my day has been great and I am looking forward to a relaxing evening of reading and meditating having learned my lesson of patience for the day.

Finding Buddha Part 3

Taking Refuge

Finding Buddha...(Part 1)
Finding Buddha...(Part 2)

Saturday finally arrived.  I had been waiting and waiting, so full of anticipation for the big day.  My last class in the Foundation Series at Drepung Loseling Monastery was on the schedule.  The class was on Refuge and ended with the opportunity to take the Refuge and Precept Vows, which mark the formal entry into the Buddhist Path.
I had been reading and meditating for weeks to prepare for the day when I would be able to proclaim my decision to "take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha".  The day proved to be one of the best days of my life.  All the investigation, study, and meditation were validated and I had a truly life changing experience.
This actually marks the 3rd time I have formally declared myself to be devoted to a religious tradition.  The first time was at vacation bible school as a 7 year old child.   Rehobeth Baptist Church was a super church way before the term was chiche.  It was like going to Six Flags over Jesus for a 7 year old. They even had a basketball gym instead of a fellowship hall.  Their VBS was big business.  They bussed in as many of the day care centers as they could and ran buses throughout the are for those at home during the summer.  It was a great time.  I was completely overwhelmed by the  grandness of it all.  At the end of the week they passed out a card with a prayer of salvation on it and had the final ceremony in the big auditiorium.  They let all the kids know that all they had to do to become a member of the church is repeat the prayer on the card. After the alter call,  they asked everyone that had prayed the prayer to come down to the front and they gave us a letter to give to our parents telling them we made a decision to join Rehobeth and they should contact the church for baptismal information.  Everyone prayed that prayer.  We were all caught up in the fun and play of VBS and had no idea what it really meant.  Of course my Mom and Grandfather explained it all to me and I never went back to Rehobeth for anything except church softball (there is another post in that alone).
My second declaration was on more modest terms.  My grandfather had returned to the small church that he and his brother had founded in the late 1950's.  We had been there for several years and I had not wanted to be baptised until I really understood what I was doing after my experience at VBS.  So now at 14 I was one of the oldest youth members of the church.  So after a while I finally decided I needed to make a decision and asked Mom to pray with me after church one Sunday and just like that I was getting ready to be baptised.  It was a big moment in my life.  I remember that prayer with my mother to this day ( especially today as it is Mother's Day as I write this and my mother is no longer with us).  As I related in my earlier posts,  I took my Christianity seriously, but it always created more questions than answers for me.
That lead me up to Saturday and my decision to become a Buddhist, a decision that I have thoroughly investigated and am so pleased to have pronounced formally.  Although no longer a Baptist or even a Christian,  my Christian experiences remain a driving force in my life, shaping  the questions and answers and understanding of the Buddha's teaching.  We all carry our experiences forward in our journeys for good or bad.  My journey has taken a turn down a different road  but I feel better prepared by each step I have taken to get here.

Finding Buddha Part 2

Finding Buddha Part 1

Where am I?

Ninety days into my Buddhist practice and I feel like it’s time to do some reflection, sum up how the beginnings of my practice are going.  I feel very good about where I am heading.  The path behind was seemingly always full of sorrows and unfulfilled expectations.  I feel like now I am beginning to understand why this is so and how to fix it for the future.

The first concept that really struck me is the concept of "being present"; being here in this moment with yourself.  Sounds like a bunch of psycho-babble but the more I understand the concept, the more it speaks ever so LOUDLY to me. 

The first steps in my meditation classes emphasized the concept of being present using the technique of shamatha, "calm abiding".  This is a meditation practice that teaches to have single pointed concentration.  Sounds easy, just concentrate, but you should try it.  As I practice (which is exactly what I do because I need lots of practice to do the technique correctly) I have found exactly how wild my mind can be.  It is really quite a feat to sit down and get your mind to relieve itself of all its random thoughts.  For me to really focus, I have learned that I must completely RELAX. Yes, relax my mind so it can just let go of the thoughts that arise, seemingly out of nowhere.  My mind likes to run full bore all the time - whether its worrying about paying bills or daydreaming about Georgia Tech winning March Madness -  it’s constantly doing something even though I never realized it before.  Learning to relax was crucial for me and remains foremost in my "calm abiding" practice.

"Being present" has a more significant meaning for me.  It has really increased my understanding of the importance of the Buddhist concept of impermanence.  Impermanence, from a Buddhist perspective, means that nothing in this world is fixed or permanent - everything is fleeting to some degree.  Our lives, our emotions, our relationships, leaves, rocks, fire, water, it all changes and decays at some point.  Everything is "here today, gone tomorrow".  So learning to be present in this very moment is indispensable in warding off the peaks and valleys of our busy lives.  By understanding this we can keep ourselves grounded in the middle, realizing the bad times will get better and the good times eventually result in a turn.

In addition to working on the development of a calm mind, I have been focused on understanding the basics of Buddhist philosophy.  These core concepts are known as the 4 Noble Truths.  They provide the basis for understanding all the concepts of Buddhist Philosophy and can be summed up as Lama Surya Das says with the following:

It is the nature of life that all beings will face difficulties; through enlightened living one can transcend these difficulties, ultimately becoming fulfilled, liberated, and free.

That really sounds like a no-brainer: life has problems and we can find a way to rise above them. But the application of the concept is the true importance of the teaching.  Each of the 4 Truths builds on the previous; together they explain in simple terms the essence of our existence.

The first Noble Truth is "The Truth of Suffering".  The word used in Buddhist scripture is dukkha (Most of the time that is translated as suffering.)  It is from that thought that leads the Bill Maher's of the world to declare Buddhism is a "life sucks and then you die" religion.  Yet that couldn't be farther from the truth.  Yes, the first Noble Truth says life is inherently full of suffering, but is that truly a revelation to any of us?  Maher, and those like him, misunderstands the point of the teaching which is a reaffirmation of a fact we all inherently understand, not a statement that "life sucks".  We all have difficulties in life, every sentient being.  Insects suffer at the hands of humans, humans suffer at the hand of other humans; every being must overcome some hardship. 

The second Noble Truth is "The Truth of the Origin of Suffering".  This truth explains that our human delusions and actions are the source of our suffering.  Our failure to accept or completely understand the nature of human existence results in our "sub-optimal" human condition.  Lama Surya Das explains this as "Life is difficult because of attachment, because we crave satisfaction in ways that are inherently dissatisfying".   This is simplifying the teaching a bit but for me it has really resonated.  Many of our largest problems in life are a result of our attachment to our own misconceptions.  We crave pleasure and when we receive it, we crave more, a never ending circle of wanting and craving.  We grasp our illusion of what happiness is. We think people or things can supply us with happiness when true happiness cannot be satisfied from outside ourselves.   This does not mean that we should not be passionate about our lives; on the contrary, we can understand the true nature of our desires by removing our deluded expectations of their results.

The third Noble Truth is "The Truth of Cessation".  This truth means that yes, we can escape from suffering,  that Nirvana, Enlightenment, Absolute Peace,  whatever you wish to call it does exist.  This state, where suffering has ceased and true understanding of the nature of existence in the universe is realized, is attainable.  We can attain this knowledge.  It is real.  This is the point of the third truth.

The final Noble Truth is "The Truth of the Path".  There is a way to attain Enlightenment.  It has been proven through time.  It can be taught; its teachings are available to all who choose to accept them.  It requires persistence and understanding but it can be obtained by all.  Understanding the path is a quest. When we understand the path, and follow it, we can attain Enlightenment.

So that is my understanding and it is certainly making a difference.  I can tell the difference as I try to practice the ideals of Buddhist practice.  I feel more secure and at ease with myself and my life.  I am sure my wife can see benefits of my practice, too.  Our life has been such a tumultuous mess for the last year but we are really connecting; I think much of that is due to the lessons I am learning by studying the Buddhists masters. 
I hope, in some way, my sharing these reflections on my own path to enlightenment has given some insight to each of your paths.

Finding Buddha...

My entire life has revolved around “The Bible Belt”.  I grew up in a Southern Baptist household.  Not just any household, but one in which the patriarch of the family was the pastor of the church we all attended.  My grandfather instilled in our entire family a fundamental Southern Baptist ethic.  Then, well, we all rebelled in our own distinct ways.

Some worked their way back into the church, sowing wild oats and then returning to the comfort of what they knew.  Some simply left and, to this day, never looked for or wanted any spiritual guidance at all.  Then there’s me.  I’m the one that spent his entire life searching for something - anything -  that simply felt “right”.

Growing up, I wanted so badly to be just like my Paw-Paw.  I wanted to have that same peace and conviction he showed daily.  I tried.  I would watch him study, constantly reading, praying, rereading; I would do the same.  I would read books from the church library.  I would try to pray every day, waiting for that Moses moment, that moment when God was going to talk to me through my own burning bush.  I still haven’t heard Him.

Perhaps it's just a lack of faith.  Perhaps I’m just plain doing it wrong.  But I've never seemed to get the whole talking to God thing.  My grandfather did though.  I've never seen him use as much as a notecard when he was giving a sermon.  He would just read and study and pray all week, then on Sunday mornings,  he would mark some passages in his Bible he was going to use and that was it.  More often than not by the time he was ready to deliver the sermon he would be “lead by the Spirit” and change everything he prepped for.  He is simply the best religious teacher I have ever met. 

I, on the other hand, must be the worst student because I just never was comfortable with the Baptist "accept and believe" mentality.  I would ask questions we've all asked like “Why is alcohol bad when Jesus turned water into wine?”  The stock answer was “it wasn’t the same kind of wine”.  (Yeah right.)  Later in my life I would actually have the privilege of serving our country in Israel and I visited a winery that was supposed to be over 1000 years old.  Trust me it’s the same wine.  I was always that way too inquisitive for a Southern Baptist.  While in college, I joined a fraternity and was exposed to all sorts of religions and made a point of going to as many different churches as possible.  I felt that I was definitely a Christian but I didn't know where I fit in any of the traditional churches. 

Here comes the point at which I start to give my opinion on the major Christian denominations.  (It is my opinion so if it offends you I am very sorry, but my experience has formed these opinions.  Here goes.) Church of Christ, Church of God, Pentecostal -  couldn’t do it.  The only church I have ever been in with snakes is a Pentecostal church in Cleveland, Tennessee.  I won’t be doing that again. Ever.   CoC and CoG are almost as bad, very fundamental and certainly wouldn’t have liked to have me argue doctrine with them.  Episcopal – didn’t feel like church.  It was very intimidating for a visitor.  Catholicism – a lot of work to figure out that it doesn’t matter how you act as long as you ask a priest for forgiveness and recite some prayers for contrition. 

When I joined the military I volunteered to serve as a lay leader in basic training which meant I got to lead everyone to the chapel on Sundays, and lead a prayer time every evening in the barracks.  It was kind of cool, very non-denominational and everyone became a church-goer in basic just to get away from the Drill Instructors for two hours.  

After basic, my first duty station was Korea.  I loved it.  I took every opportunity to soak up as much of the culture as I could.  It was there that I had my first introduction to Buddhism, but it didn’t mean too much to me then other than it was simply a part of the Korean lifestyle.  I toured a monastery with the largest Buddha statue in Korea and was impressed with how at peace and benign the monks were in their daily life.  It greatly affected my view of what spiritualism was because by this point I had adopted my father's view of religion - just couldn't do the rules of organized religion.  He'd even built himself a cabin in the woods that he called his Chapel.  He didn't go to church, he made his own church.  And when he was at home he'd wake up on Sunday mornings and watch church on TV while drinking beer.  He practiced his own kind of spirituality.  

Later, when I returned to the States, some friends of mine were going to a church in Clarksville, TN where we were stationed and talked me into going with them.  It proved to be the best day of my life.  I met my wonderful wife that morning.  It was love at first site and in barely a month after we met we decided to get married.  My soon to be wife was asked if she was pregnant because we wanted to be married so quickly. (She nearly hurt herself laughing.)  And we were told that in order to be married in the church where we met, we first were required to attend "training"  classes, and were also not to have have sex until we were married.  The "training" classes were more of Southern Baptist Inquisition - making sure were both Saved (When, Where, etc. and what our sexual history was, what our plans were for the future for our family, our religious plans, etc.).  We tried to be very active in the church, but the organization of organized religion had reared its ugly head to such a degree that we simply couldn't agree or be comfortable in any setting.  

Several times over the years we have tried to start attending church regularly but the politics of church just turn one or both of us off.  She believes one thing, I believe another.  She cannot abide organized religion and is convinced it is evil, a danger to us all.  I knew nothing but organized religion, it was my heritage. So church together was out of the question; we became heathens. 

I searched for something, a spiritual peace I knew was to be found, and I missed having a place to called a church home.   I kept trying to figure out the best way to find what I was looking for.  I looked into many different religions and belief systems, I thought about non-denominational churches but they seem to be too much flash and fun, with no doctrine or guidance.  I started attending a local Lutheran church by myself.  I enjoyed the services but there just didn't seem to be a sense of purpose other than a place for suburbanites to spend Sunday morning so they could say they went to church.  So I quit again. 

I found myself becoming very depressed during this time - severely depressed.  Looking back I believe a lack of a spiritual compass didn’t help but it wasn’t the sole reason for the depression.  I was sick and getting worse. Panic attacks, a very real apathy about life -  just a general screwed up view on life.  The depression spiraled out of control and led to me being hospitalized. While there I learned some things which have changed my life for the better. 

The psychiatrist I was seeing shared a quote from Epictetus with me which is the basis for Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, “We are disturbed not by events, but by the views which we take of them.”  He challenged me to change the way I viewed the events that were occurring in my life and gain a different perspective on them.  One of the MHA’s also started talking to me about this. He had an incredible 30 years of experience to call upon as he focused his full attention on each patient and helped them heal.  We started talking about spirituality and how it could help change my perspective.  I told him all about my aversion to organized religion.  He listened fully, carefully and asked if I'd ever considered learning about Buddhism.   I said no, I was a Christian even if I didn’t go to church.  He brought me an article about how Buddhist meditation helped a someone be a better Christian.  I was intrigued.  When I returned home I started reading information on the internet and all my preconceived notions changed. 

Buddhism makes sense to me.  It is completely about self-discovery and challenge.  Using your mind to understand the nature of our existence, not having someone else force it down upon you.  I found the Drepung Monestary here in Atlanta and attended a couple of public sittings and meditated.  Since then I’ve been burning through every piece of literature I can get my hands on.  I've reconsidered so many things which I just chose to accept instead of truly investigating.  I feel very connected to the teachings I have been reading about.  I am so fascinated by the Dalai Lama, Pema Chodron, and all the teachers I have read.  It feels like they are explaining to me everything I have been missing. 

Today(Sunday), I will start my journey properly.  I am attending the Beginning Meditation program at the Shambhala Center in Atlanta.   Having searched, and read and studied programs all over I have decided that barring something crazy this will be my new spiritual home for a while.  I am undertaking a new path - a path to enlightenment. 

More to follow...